The Illusion of Control | Weekbook #4

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Throughout my life I have been a self-professed control freak, which has undoubtedly been at the heart of many moments of overreaction and unnecessarily stressful situations. Impacting both my personal and professional life, I knew that something needed to change.

I have always harboured dreams of forging a successful career, never being one to settle for mediocracy, but I realised that without better control over my emotions, no amount of personal development books or courses would take me closer to my goals, and it wasn’t until I read the wise words of Marcus Aurelius that my perspective started to shift.

In essence Marcus is telling us that there is very little we can control in our lives, with the exception of our own mind and by extension, our emotions.

To borrow an example from Mark Manson in his book “The Sublte Art of Not Giving a F*ck” (which I highly recommend): Imagine someone steals something from you. An exteme event you can’t control. The default for most people is to play the victim and suffer the negative emotions that are automatically triggered. The reality is, you are now suffering twice. Once from the event, a second from the fallout and whilst we can’t control the former, we can control the latter. We can always choose how we react to an external event.

So why is this important? Put simply, you are always going to be subject to uncontrollable situations that cause you suffering or, if you’re lucky, inconvinience. With this in mind, wouldn’t in be better if we learned to control our reactions, limiting how they affect us? Instead of trying to control the uncontrollable, focus on controlling your mind.

The good news is starting is much easier than you realise. I’m still on this journey myself and to help me along the way I follow these three simple steps whenever I find myself losing control of myself. I encourage you to do the same.

1. Pause. The power of pause is underutilised and an ultimate superpower in your arsenal. Next time something hurts you, catch yourself before reacting. Pause and count down in your head — 5…4…3…2…1…

2. Question. Not the event, yourself. Ask yourself “can I change what has happened?” The answer will almost always be no. Remember, the only thing we can truly control is our mind and subsequently our response.

3. Respond. Now that you’ve given yourself time to think and process the event, you can respond appropriately and take action in a more positive way.

Next time you don’t get the outcome you were looking for or something happens in your life that you find yourself wishing you could change, use these three steps and observe the result.

Remember — life is a journey. You won’t get it perfect the first time but trust in last week’s lesson, getting just 1% better per day is progress.

Book Notes

All notes are from the books I am currently reading.

Indistractable by Nir Eyal.

• On external triggers: “To avoid distraction, control the external triggers when it is in your power to do so. If it doesn’t serve you, remove it.”

Radical Candor by Kim Scott.

• On managing people: “Don’t be afraid to have difficult conversations if expectations aren’t being met. Avoiding them will only make things worse in the long-term”

• On feedback: “When managing a team, it is just as important to focus on recieving feedback from your team as it is to give it.”

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Ending Quote

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